30 and washed up?

Alrighty, two Cambodian weeks down, six to go!

Though I've been here two weeks now, I haven't had a ton of time to explore Phnom Penh....yet.  I do love this city though - it is very different from Saigon.  I must admit, I miss the Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf coffee place in Vietnam.  I know that's not "traditionally" what one would miss about "Vietnam" considering it's not "Vietnamese," but my western coffee/frappacino treats are hard to come by and I love them.  So sue me.

motorbiking it to work

This past week I spent working at the office of our Cambodian NGO counterpart who we run the camp with - NHCC - New Hope for Cambodian Children.  NHCC was started by an American couple to create opportunities and support for children with HIV in Cambodia.  After finding such a strong need for this program here, they also decided to open up an orphanage specifically dedicated to taking in children who are orphans with HIV.  As far as I've learned, there is not the major stigma issue against HIV here in Cambodia that we dealt with in Vietnam.  Though there are plenty of other challenges to come, I am glad to know that we won't face some of the issues here that we encountered in 'Nam.  That being said, this is the only orphanage of its kind here in Cambodia that takes in children with HIV.  There is still a very strong need for HIV support programs here, and actually the Clinton Foundation has sponsored all costs for medication for any HIV positive person here in Cambodia.  Up until a few years ago, I believe the government was covering these costs, but now the Clinton Foundation is solely sponsoring the meds.  I had no idea.  And a few weeks ago some of the children who live in the Village (that's what the orphanage is called - and where we are holding camp) went to Austria for a conference on HIV and got to meet Bill Clinton and spend a little time with him.  Pretty cool.

you'll note we're driving the wrong
way on a one-way street as we dodge the
oncoming car.  no big deal, apparently.

So I've spent most of this week commuting to the office and around town in a tuk tuk - haggling for prices with tuk tuk drivers and refusing to take rides that cost more than $3.  I'll be honest, I don't like to pay more than $1 for anything.  And everything seems to cost around $1.  It's like Cambodia is one giant dollar store and my cart isn't big enough.

One of the best parts of my week was that I got a chance to go to the Village this past weekend and see a real live Cambodian wedding.  It was in the Village and hosted by NHCC, for two of the children that live there (they are 17- which, granted, seems exceptionally young....but not necessarily for Cambodia).  I drove out there with people from the office, and as soon as we pulled up to the Village and got out of the van, all these children who live there came running over to us.  At least 20 kids came running over to hug us and two babies who couldn't have been older than two-years old literally jumped into my arms to be carried and hugged.  It was too much.  I tried to empty out my purse to see how many of the babies I could put in there and bring back with me, but I suspected that that may not be proper "orphanage etiquette."

The wedding was fantastic though- it was just really neat to see the traditions and be a part of it.  The outfits that they wear are so beautiful and elaborate and the bride's hair and make-up was out of control (in a beautiful way)!  There were bridesmaids and groomsmen, and a traditional wedding can take three days or something like that.  This was only one day.  But generally the bride will change seven times in one day and there is music and dancing all throughout the day.  They even pulled me into one of the ceremonies and had me walk the bride over to the groom in front of everyone - I felt like maybe I was imposing since I didn't know them but everyone was like "no!  you have to!" - they were so excited to make me a part of it and experience it that I couldn't say no.

presenting an offering of money and
good wishes to the bride and groom

the band

I'm very happy I got a chance to see where I'll be living/working and meet some of the kids I'll be working with.  Though the living conditions will be fairly rough in the Village for my 5-week stay, if the kids can do it, so can I.  And if I get to spend all my days with them while I'm there, then surely that will keep me happy and focused on what's important....and not focused on my cockroach roommates and bucket showers.  And besides, this week I survived several intimate animal encounters (lizard, rat, cockroach), so I'm hoping that that's the worst of it!  (knock on wood)  For each of those encounters this week, I'm proud to say there was minimal screaming on my part.  When I realized that there was a lizard crawling up my leg at lunch and that it was not a tablecloth brushing up against me - yes, there was some jumping and light yelling while the locals giggled and pointed at me.....and when the rat came over at dinner I just pulled myself into a ball in my chair and rocked back and forth (silently, mind you).....and then when the cockroach crawled across my toes one night, I didn't realize what it was until after it crawled off me, and since I was in the middle of a conversation I tried to keep my cool.....but then I walked down the street twitching for the next hour (but, no yelling).  So yeah, I think I'm progressing in my reactions.

traditional wedding tent

To parlay the topic from the weddings to relationships and "love" in Cambodia, I've learned a surprising amount in the two weeks I've been here.

There seems to be a very specific process to relationships here.  When girls are around 16 or 17, they start to keep an eye out to find "the one."  By the time they hit 22, if they haven't found someone, they start to get nervous and amp up the search.  By 25, there are parental/family friend interventions and lots of set-ups and discussions about whether an arranged marriage is the way to go.  Arranged marriages still exist, and generally if the parents want to set up their children, the children won't say no (because they do not want to disrespect their parents' wishes).  If, by some horrifically tragic circumstance, a girl turns 30 and still hasn't found "the one"......well, then she is too late, she's past her prime, no hope is left, and it's time to invest in a good rocking chair and some cats.

The "dating" process is a little different too.  I've discussed this with several Cambodian men and women to make sure I'm getting the whole story, and this is as I understand it:

First of all, men and woman can date, but this means means they go out to see if they like each other a couple times.  If the dates progress to a "relationship" then they can be serious about each other, but they will restrict themselves to only holding hands or hugging - you do not kiss on the mouth or engage in anything further, especially NEVER in public.  (As a side note- It is unacceptable for a woman to have sex before marriage.....but, of course, it is totally acceptable for a man to have sex.  I ask, "well then who could the men possibly have sex with, since all the women are abstaining?"  They tell me there are places young men go to find available women.  Then I stop asking questions.)

So, okay, once the man decides to say "I love you" (because only in extremely rare cases would the woman say it first), then he has made a promise to marry the girl.  A man does not say "I love you" unless he is making a promise to marry that woman.  It is not a phrase that gets thrown around lightly.
After the "I love you" enters the scene, then the woman is in charge of deciding at what point she brings up the fact that they'll get married to push the man to make good on his "promise."  Once she asks him "when will we get married?" then he must give her a timeframe for planning the wedding and generally they'll get married within a year or two.  So essentially it is the woman taking charge of bringing up the marriage issue, but it is the man who has the final say on when.

(Again, I'm sure it's not like this in all cases and don't want to generalize everyone - there are plenty of modern attitudes here - but from what I've learned the majority of Cambodians are still very traditional like this)

Monk.  Angry b/c he is too late to
find "the one"?  Or b/c crazy white
girl is taking his picture?

But this leads me back to the age thing.  There is, of course, a double standard here for men.  Men can be any age and get married, and it is not uncommon for an older man in his 30's or later to marry a girl in her late teens/twenties.  Everyone here is really interested in how old I am.  It is not rude in Cambodia to ask a woman her age.  I don't mind, but when I tell them I'm 30 - they are surprised because they think I'm much younger (which makes me feel good about my perceived youthfulness!)  But then next question always is, "Are you married?"  And when I say "no," they look at me like I am a tragic case and how can this be?  Poor, unmarried washed-up girl of 30 who will spend the rest of her life alone because without a husband one cannot hope to find happiness.

I explain to them how things work in America, and that to be 30 and unmarried is not uncommon and people live very happy single lives.....because it is better to be single than to be in an unhappy relationship that you feel pressured to be in just because you're a certain age.  After they stop laughing, they tell me, "But if you want to have children and a traditional family life, you have to find someone at an early age so you feel relief at being able to start living your life."  After I stop laughing, I tell them "Agree to disagree."

I even tried to argue that certainly there are many people who get married later in life or remarried after a divorce and are just as happy both ways.  And I was told that if you aren't married by 30, you will almost certainly never get married.

Here is how one of my arguments with our Cambodian friend Vuthy went:

A:  "Well what if you get a divorce?  You may be older than 30...can you get remarried then as an older person?"

V:  "Yes, of course divorced people can find someone to remarry."

A:  "Well what's the difference?  If I'm 45 and have never been married or if I'm 45 and divorced - shouldn't I hypothetically be able to find someone either way?"

V:  "Oh no no no.....no one wants to marry a woman who hasn't had the experience of being married before.  Divorced people can get remarried, but it is very unlikely that someone who has never married will marry."

A:  "What!  Who would prefer to marry someone who didn't make their first marriage work over someone who would be fresh into the new experience?!"

V:  (( laughter ))

A:  (( smiles at international friendship and new learning experiences, raises a glass to cheers, silently thanks Jesus for being born in the right country ))

Well, that's it for this week's lesson.  I'm learning so much and taking everything in.  I even tried fish sauce that's been cooked and prepared over the course of 3 months and smells like dumpster.  Impressed?  But I really, truly do wake up everyday thinking- wow, how did this happen?  How am I so lucky to get to experience all of this?

Tomorrow I'm off to the Village to embark on my new camp adventure.  We'll be training all the camp counselor/social worker staff this week and then the kids come the next week.  Bring on the babies.  (borrowed, of course....it's clearly too late for me to have hope of breeding my own at this old age.)

APT- out.